The Internal Dialogue Intensifies

I’m spending a lot of time questioning myself lately.  It’s an awkward internal dialogue that goes a little like this:

Me: “Ouch, my toe hurts”

Me Back: “What is ‘hurt’, and who feels it?”

Me: “Me!  I feel it.  It’s painful.”

Me Back: “Who say’s ‘I feel it’?”

It’s a dialogue that, admittedly, is the result of reading a good bit of Ramana Maharshi & Nisargadatta Maharaj.  I don’t hold either one in any special high-regard as in a worshipful sense, but the two books I’ve got are full of dialogues with “seekers” like me.  They most always seem to point the questioner back at themselves and make them answer their own questions.

The dialogues I had with the commenters from yesterday’s post got me thinking about the mind-body component of reality.  All the senses are processed in the brain.  One article (thanks to Baskar) suggests that, at least as far as vision is concerned, not all the information collected is reported.  Both Baskar and I wondered about the obvious question there… reported to whom?  The senses and thoughts are presented to a presence, an awareness (oh I hate that word) of sorts.  What is that presence?  Where is it, and what is the link to the human brain?  Forget senses… what about thought?  What is a thought?  Who has thoughts?  Where are they located, and who “sees” them?  All this information that needs processing and interpretation.  Where does that all happen, and who controls it all?  Where is the command center?  Where is the commander?

The pointers I continue to receive, and the people that offer them, point to this all being one thing, one substance, one awareness - just one.  I remember a lucid period, just before waking up once when I heard my name called.  I knew that I was about to be told something profound, but I also knew what that something was.  I replied, “I know… it’s all one.”  I remember thinking how ridiculous that sounded, given the experience I’d had of the world up to that point in my life.  I was right, and I knew it, but I had (and still have) no first-hand knowledge, or experience of that “fact”.  Fortunately, I’m lucky enough to be able to converse with those that do.  I must be very entertaining for those “individuals”.  Thank you for playing your parts beautifully!

The Dream and Advaita (non-duality)

I still can’t fathom the nature of the Universe.  I read, and I read to no avail.  My mind spins with the unbelievable claims of Advaita.  Non-duality, indeed.  How does that work?  I see a lot of references to the ocean.  One drop of the ocean is made up of the same stuff of the entire ocean.  One wave represents the entire whole, somewhat like how a holograph works.  We’re all connected – I understand the concept, but can’t make the mental leap to bring it all together.

How can you and I be the same thing?  What is it that connects us?  Electrons spinning around the nucleus of an atom interchange with other electrons around them all the time, and at the speed of light.  Sub-atomically, it all makes sense.  We all share electrons with everything.  Everything is constantly interacting with everything else.  But when it comes to the macro level, say you and I, how can we be connected, much less be the very same thing?

 I have started reading the Tao Te Ching.  Maybe I’ll get wisdom from that.

I had a dream a couple weeks ago.  It was actually more than a dream.  I was semi-awake.  I remember having this primal urge to allow something to penetrate my mind.  I could “see” a undulating light shimmering behind half of my mind.  There was a barrier between the back half and front half of my mind.  The back half was full of a wonderful, orange-yellowish, pulsating light.  I could see it.  It wanted so desperately to come to the forefront.  I wanted it to.  I could sense that, when this light broke through the rice-paper thin membrane that separated the front and back halves of my mind, I would “see” everything for what it was.  There was a teeming sense behind me that begged to break free.  I actually encouraged it to happen, saying “yes” to the pulsating light in the back of my mind.  “Go ahead, I want to see”, was my plea.

 I remember being half awake during this.  For reasons unknown to me, and for sure without lack of effort on my part, the breakthrough didn’t come.  However, I knew what would happen.  I think I was afraid of what would happen to me if it broke through.  I thought about my wife, my family.  I would leave them behind because I realized the truth and no longer required servitude of myself to this realm.  How sad they would be without me here.  How could I comfort them?  I guess, in the end, I chose to remain.

Strange dream, huh?  It was very real to me, though.  I knew I would join the oneness.  I would finally KNOW what there was besides what I could physically intuit.  I was very excited to have this breakthrough.  But I didn’t.  I woke up frustrated and confused.  I was so close!  “It” wanted to break through, but I wouldn’t let it.

 Non-duality, Advaita, still perplexes me.  I fundamentally want to believe that the concepts are true.  They resonate.  I just don’t know how to make the connections.